How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
