i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
