i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
