haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
