I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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