he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
