i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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