The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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