He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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