actually, I'm a sock model
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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