he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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