Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
