I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My breasts were aching with rage.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
