I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
