My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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