Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You are the jesus of drinking
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
