I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
