Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
