M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
