This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
