I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
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