He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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