My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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