allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
