OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Drunk is a universal language darling
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
