i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
