I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
