Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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