I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
