Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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