So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Panties = found
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
