dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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