He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
