We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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