You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
