I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
