Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
she told me i tasted like america
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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