I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
