Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
