Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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