I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
