Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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