My sheets look like a crime scene.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
