I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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