mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
