He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Everyone says I win the strip club
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
