you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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