Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
