i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
