I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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