You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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