the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
